I keep having to count on my fingers how long Colette has been gone. Since she died late in the year, Nov. 2012, I think it makes it seem like longer ago than it was. But as I sit here, it has been two years and five months (and seven days). Which is a long time, I guess. But because there have been three Christmases since then, it makes it seem like it has been three years. I have no idea why this makes any difference. I guess I am still trying to gauge how I should be feeling, after this much (how much?) time has passed. Mom’s been gone 7 years and 9 months. I am still mad they went off and left me, again.
It is hard to not make every post be about Mom and Colette, because it colors just about everything I do, every day. I am almost desperately pursuing my dreams and goals, feeling like I have to live my life that much harder and more perfectly, to make up (somehow) for them not having as much time as they should have had.
I realize I have four drafts of this basic same post saved since early 2013. I have not posted them, because I don’t’ want to seem …. pathetic? Not sure.
This post was actually supposed to be about my show yesterday. The main thing I took away from it was it was a huge effort, with unknown elements and all kinds of things thrown in. traffic is a huge unknown. then when you arrive, how easy is it to park the trailer? Kip does not tie well, and wont’ be left at the trailer, so I have to have a stall. How far is the stall from where you have to park? I had to take 6 trips from the trailer to the stall, bringing: saddle, 2 bridles, vest, saddle rack, helmet, boots, muck bucket, water buckets, hay net, hay, and manure fork. this venue was particularly spooky — so many things to distract — wind chimes, rainbow spinners, LLAMAS, donkeys… Then I am supposed to ride a perfect, relaxed dressage test, and be accurate and brave in the jumping. It is a tall order, this passion of mine.